The Choices We Make- Chapter 1
An Ultimatum
Chapter 1: An Ultimatum
Caitlin
As far as Caitlin Evans was concerned, there was nothing relaxing about a Sunday evening. She couldn't remember the last time she eased gently into a new week and didn't spend the final hours of a Sunday biting her fingernails and trying to grasp onto the last remnants of the weekend. Once the clock struck five and the light started to change, restlessness overtook her. A prickly sort of feeling, curling up inside of her like the first licks of flame on kindling before it erupted into a blazing fire.
Twenty past five. The time on her phone lock screen hovered above a black and white photo of her wedding day. She barely recognised herself as the bride in the white satin dress, wide toothy smile, eyes crinkled against the sunlight. Her husband Luke would arrive at any moment, picking her up to play happy families for the evening. Everyone gathered together to share in the illusion of having a nice, quiet dinner. In Caitlin’s experience it was rarely nice, and never quiet.
Family dinners, the first Sunday of the month, crept up sooner than expected. Barely enough time for Caitlin to extract the barbs her mother shot at her the month before. She would go because it was expected of her, fulfill her assigned role and follow the same tired script for the endlessly rehearsed and tightly controlled dinner performance. Her family would sit around the table and comment on the price of eggs, passing the roasted potatoes, and asking for the recipe for the clearly store-bought carrot cake. They would all make polite conversation but never dive deeper than surface level.
No one wanted to see what horrors lurked in the darkness. It was too raw, too intimate- a level of vulnerability reserved for partners or very close friends, and sometimes not even then.
“I’m here, you ready?” Luke called through the screen door.
“It’s open. I’m in the bedroom.”
Caitlin rummaged through an old shoe box, worn and bent at the edges, housing a jumble of earrings, necklaces and brooches she had collected over the years. Luke stuck his head around the bedroom door and leaned against the frame; his hands stuffed into his jean pockets. He was wearing a blue button-down shirt and trimmed three-day growth. More of an effort than he usually put in for family dinners.
It was almost three months to the day Luke had offered to stay with his brother for a while, their endless cycle of arguments and sleeping in separate rooms becoming too much. It would give them a reset he’d said, time to cool off, but the longer they were apart the more irritated Caitlin became.
She held a pair of diamond studs up to her earlobes. Luke shook his head.
“Nah, try another pair. What about the ones I bought you for Christmas last year? The opals?”
“Do you really think they will go with this outfit?” Caitlin looked down at her lilac pleated skirt and white t-shirt.
“Yeah babe, they’ll look great.”
She hated opals. Last Christmas she wore her fake smile as she opened the box Luke gave her and saw the iridescent drops nestled amongst the black velvet. The brushed silver reminiscent of costume jewellery, the kind you find in a fluorescent lit department store slapped with an aggressive red sale sticker. Hooks that turned your earlobes green. Caitlin had told Luke they were lovely, she would save them for a special occasion, but she was running out of excuses not to wear them. She brushed her long blonde waves off her shoulder and slid the earrings into her ears.
“They bring out the blue in your eyes,” Luke said, hitching his foot up on the bed frame, “have you heard back about the management job?”
Caitlin searched through a drawer and pulled out a grey knitted cardigan.
“Yeah, they got back to me on Friday. I’ve been offered the position.”
Luke slapped his hands together. “What did I say, all you had to do was apply yourself. I’m proud of you, babe.”
She knew she should be happy about it, clearly the company saw some sort of leadership quality within her, but the thought of the added responsibility, all those different personalities to manage, the deadlines and decisions all resting on her shoulders made her mouth dry up.
“I’m not sure if I’m going to take it yet.”
“What? Why not? It’s a great opportunity. Do you want to stay working at the same desk job your whole life?”
Did she? She had been at the company for three years, never late, always willing to put in extra hours if she was asked. She was good at her job, well-liked by the team. The natural progression was into management. It would look good on her resume, but for what end goal, Caitlin did not know.
“I’m not sure I’ll enjoy it.”
“Everyone hates their job, babe- that’s why it’s called work. You might as well get paid well to do it. Plus, we could do with the extra money. We could pay off a chunk of the mortgage, start saving for a family.”
“Are we in a position to start a family? You’ve been living with your brother for the last three months.”
“It’s just a rough patch. We’ll get through it. You know the rates of fertility decrease exponentially once a woman reaches thirty-five, we need to start now.”
Caitlin’s eye twitched, the urge to react rising in her belly. She took a breath.
“Can we talk about this another time. I don’t want to be riled up before we go, family dinner night is stressful enough.”
She slipped her bag onto her shoulder. “And can you please not mention the job to my family until I've made a decision.”
Luke wrapped his arm around her and squeezed.
“Stop stressing, babe- it’s just dinner.”
*
They arrived at her parents’ house ten minutes after they were expected, not too bad considering the bumper to bumper forty-five-minute drive along the highway. Luke had led the conversation on the drive up, telling her about work, how he started back at the gym and shared stories about his brother’s dating misadventures. Caitlin stared out the passenger window, watching the white lines blurring into one long strip. A never-ending row of trees, a haze of green and brown, the occasional squished kangaroo on the side of the road.
“Darlings, you made it.”
Caitlin’s mother Irene met them at the door holding a glass of sparkling wine, draped in a navy-blue linen shift dress with kitten heels. Not a silver hair out of place. She hugged Luke first, planting a lingering kiss on his cheek before awkwardly wrapping one arm around Caitlin, missing her cheek entirely and kissing her ear. She flapped her freshly manicured nails at them, ushering them inside and down the hallway to the back of the house.
Wide windows spanned the length of the back wall and looked out over the perfectly maintained garden, a patch of well-watered grass encircled by rose bushes. Caitlin’s nephew Noah was out on the grass tumbling and cartwheeling to his five-year-old heart's delight. Luke made a beeline straight for her father Tom and brother-in-law Simon who were standing together by the television already necking a beer each. Caitlin took her place behind the marble kitchen bench next to her sister Verity.
“You look like you could use one of these.”
Caitlin smiled and leaned in for a hug as Verity, older by 18 months, handed her a glass of generously poured red wine. Verity was the only reason family dinners were somewhat bearable, and Caitlin intended to stick to her like glue. A needed buffer from her mother, a lighthouse in the storm.
“You’re looking radiant.” Caitlin tipped her glass towards her sister’s rounded belly.
What would it be now, five, six months? Pregnancy suited her. Verity was naturally maternal; she had a divine feminine aura about her.
“Thanks, I’m enjoying it more this time around.”
“Before I forget darlings, your father found a few boxes full of your old things in the garage the other day. I have left them in the guest room. Could you look at them before you go and take anything you want? We are getting a skip this week so I will throw out anything that is left over.”
The floral patterned doona on the guest bed was stacked with at least a dozen boxes labelled with their names. Caitlin moved to the window side of the bed and pulled one of the boxes towards her. School notebooks, a high school diary from 2000 and stacks of handwritten assignments on lined note pads inside. Verity’s boxes were much the same.
“What are we going to do with all of this stuff?”
“I’ll probably throw out most of it unless there is anything worth saving.” Verity said as she rubbed her lower back.
“How's the baby?”
“Just crushing all of my internal organs, it’s fine. That reminds me, I wanted to talk to you about the shower.”
Caitlin picked up an envelope of photo prints sticking out from a stack of paper. Photos from her last year of high school when she and her friends took their pocket-sized neon pink digital cameras everywhere. Amateur documentarians capturing moments of first love and heartbreak, youth and innocence all on shiny 4x6 paper. She flipped through the photos, smiling at the faded memories and stopped on a blurry, off-centred snapshot of herself, and another girl dressed in their school uniforms. Caitlin’s arm was around the waist of the girl. They were standing on the school oval laughing. The girl was looking directly at the camera, but Caitlin only had eyes for her.
“...and I’m going to need your help with the setup. Are you even listening?”
“Oh yeah, that’s really exciting. I’m happy to help.”
God, how long had it been since she’d thought about Hayley?
“We’re going to have a co-ed shower. We are not doing any of that silly gender reveal nonsense. I’m thinking of a mint green theme. Can I get you to be on dessert duty? Nothing too much, little cupcakes or pastries will be fine.”
Hayley’s hair had been silky, dead straight as it fell down the length of her back, shining like honey in the sunlight. Caitlin had spent hours combing it, braiding it, running her fingers through it after school while they watched television in Hayley’s bedroom, her head resting in Caitlin’s lap.
“Absolutely, I can get dessert.”
“Great, thank you, that would help a lot.”
Caitlin smiled at the fuzzy memory of young love- all excitement and naivety, fumbling and passionate. Smothering giggles with kisses in the library. Hayley’s hand on her leg under the table in English class. Slipping notes, confessions and poems into the back of Hayley’s school diary. Walking home together after school, their fingers brushing as the air between them sparked. How Hayley’s sea-green eyes shone when she laughed. How Caitlin had loved to make her laugh.
“Girls, dinner is ready!”
Caitlin slipped the photo back into the envelope, picked up her wine and followed her sister into the kitchen.
A plate of roasted carrots, dripping in honey and sprinkled with shaved almonds was handed to her. A recipe from the Good Eating magazine her mother subscribed to and palmed off as her own. She took the platter from her mother, placed it onto the table and sat next to Luke. He was engaged in a lively conversation with her father and Simon about cricket. Noah was at the end of the table, his body half off the chair, feet swinging wildly. He stabbed his fork into the biggest roasted potato on his plate and started gnawing at the edge of it. It fell off his fork and rolled across the table. Caitlin topped up her glass of wine.
“Darling, should you be having another glass?” Irene stared at her from across the table, a sly smile on her face.
Caitlin paused, bottle in hand. “Why? Luke is driving.”
“Well, a little birdie told me you and Luke are trying for a baby.”
Caitlin thumped the bottle back down onto the table. Verity dropped her cutlery onto her plate causing the fork to clatter and fall to the floor.
“Oh really! Caity, you never said anything!”
Noah glanced up from his colouring book for a second before returning his attention to saturating the page with blue crayon, the runaway potato gripped firmly in his palm.
“That’s wonderful, lovie.” Her father continued to carve into his roast, not looking up.
“Unbelievable.”
Caitlin turned to Luke, and he smiled back at her like a politician at a press conference, grabbed her hand, lifting it onto the table and interlacing his fingers with hers.
“It’s early days yet, but we are excited about the future, aren’t we babe? And with Caitlin’s new promotion everything is right on track.”
“Oh, a promotion. Finally moving up in the world. Well, this is a night for celebration. Tom, can you bring in the other bottle of Prosecco?” Irene wiggled her empty crystal wine glass in the air towards her husband.
“Yes, lovie.”
“What’s the job?” Simon asked, spilling a spoonful of peas onto his plate.
“Department Manager based at the Adelaide site, but you’ll be managing teams across three sites, won’t you babe.”
“Yes, but I haven’t accepted anything yet.”
What if it fell through, what if the company realised she had no management skills, and they had made a terrible mistake. Everyone would think she was a failure- couldn’t even secure a mid-level management position.
“Sounds great.” Simon said, mouth full of peas.
“Nice of you to pull a few strings, Luke.” Irene winked at him before slicing through a portion of lamb. “You’re lucky to have the company Director as your husband, darling.”
“Luke had nothing to do with-”
“Will you both be in the same office now?”
“No, corporate is located in a separate building, but we’ll both be in the city so we can travel in together.” Luke squeezed her hand.
“How lovely. Will you look to go part time when the baby comes? How many weeks of maternity leave will you have?”
“I’m not even pregnant.”
“Not yet.” Luke and Irene said in unison, erupting into laughter. Luke raised his glass in the air. He filled a tumbler with water and slid it in front of Caitlin.
“Noah, you might be getting a cousin soon.” Simon said, ruffling Noah’s hair. He didn’t look up from his colouring book.
“We’ll see.” Caitlin said, ignoring the water and reaching for her wine glass.
“Well, don’t wait and see too long, darling. It gets harder the older you get, and you have a husband who is eager to be a father. That is rare these days, don’t take it for granted.”
“Thank you, Irene, that’s exactly what I said earlier.”
“Best start trying right away, it can take time to fall pregnant, right Verity?”
Verity looked up from cutting Noah’s roast lamb into small squares.
“Thanks for the reminder, mum.”
“Oh, don’t give me a look. I only meant it was hard for you and Simon with your unfortunate mishaps. All I am saying is that it’s wonderful Luke and Caitlin are adding to our family. Now, where is your father with the bubbly?”
*
Caitlin made her move to leave the moment they finished their coffee, and the conversation turned to critiquing the policies of the current Prime Minister. She suppressed the urge to roll her eyes as Luke placed his hand on the small of her back and Irene threw a knowing glance his way. They piled the boxes into the boot of Luke’s car, endured a round of kisses goodnight and declined the polite offer of a slice of cake for the road.
In the car, a radio jock rambled on about football, providing a play by play and encouraging listeners to call in with their tips for the season ahead. Luke tapped his fingers on the steering wheel as the streetlights dipped shadows into the car.
“Why did you say we are trying for a baby and tell my mother about the job? I asked you not to say anything.”
Luke turned away from the road, furrowing his brow.
“They’re family, I thought they would want to celebrate good news with us.”
“But I haven’t accepted it yet and we are so far from trying for a baby.”
“We’re not that far from it. I think this time apart has been good for us, it’s really helped us prioritise what’s important.”
Caitlin turned her head to gaze out the window, her hollowed cheeks and dark circles reflected in the glass. Luke reached for her hand and pressed his lips to her palm.
“I love you, you know.”
She nodded but pulled her hand away, placing it into her lap.
“It’s all a bit much right now, with the job and you wanting a baby all at once. We need to be in a better place first.”
Luke checked the mirrors and slid into the overtaking lane, passing a truck transporting luxury vehicles.
“I could come home, and we could work things out together.”
The vibration of the wheels skimming along the black concrete rattled a plastic bottle cap left discarded in the passenger door panel.
“That’s not exactly what I meant.”
“What did you mean then? Don’t you want me home?”
Caitlin paused, choosing each word carefully, lining them up in her mind. A bridge to lead her over Luke’s temper simmering just below the surface.
“I mean…you know, first we need to stop fighting all the time.”
“We don’t fight all the time. What we need to do is get on the same page and make a proper plan.”
That was the trouble, Caitlin wasn’t sure they could both fit on the same page. She wasn’t sure they could fit in the same book anymore.
“You should pick up some prenatal vitamins if we’re going to get started. Did you get that article I sent you with the comparison of brands?”
She nodded. “I just…maybe we should wait a little longer.”
Luke turned away from the road, his eyes fixed on Caitlin. “You still want a baby, right?”
He picked up on her hesitation, the slightest twitch in her face. Luke glanced at the road for a split second, then turned his focus towards her.
“Babe? Do you still want to try for a baby?”
Caitlin kept her eyes on her lap. She fiddled with her wedding band, twirling it around her ring finger. “I’m not sure.”
“Why? What’s with the hesitation all of a sudden?”
“Like you said, this time apart…put things in perspective.”
“And so now you don’t want a baby? Is that it?”
“No. I don’t know.”
Caitlin stared at him, her heart pounding, tears along her waterline threatening to spill over her cheeks.
“What the hell, Caitlin.”
“I just don’t want to rush into things.”
Luke tipped his head back and let out an exaggerated sigh.
“Well, I want a family soon, and I would like it to be with you but if that’s not going to happen, I would rather know now so I can-”
“So you can what Luke?”
Luke stared out at the empty road, the traffic sparse at the late hour. He paused, dragging his tongue along his bottom lip.
“Why did you marry me if you never wanted children?”
“What? Because I love you.”
“Just not enough to have a baby with me.”
“I didn’t say that. I just don’t know if I'm ready right now. I just need time to think.”
Luke slammed his hands onto the steering wheel, causing Caitlin to flinch and the car to drift across the rumble strips before returning to the lane.
“More time? You’ve had time, Caitlin. For fuck’s sake. I’ve moved out to give you time. How much more do you need? A week, a month? the rest of your damn life?”
“I don’t know.”
“God, it’s always the same with you. Have you ever made a decision in your entire life?”
Caitlin turned away so he wouldn’t see the hot tears streaming down her cheeks. A knot began to form in her stomach, a voice growing loud against the rhythm of the road telling her she was being selfish. She was keeping Luke from his home, his family. She was denying him his dream of becoming a father and she didn’t know why. All she knew was the burning on the soles of her feet and the urge to run.
The house looked strange and foreign as they pulled into the driveway. A house they bought together, a shared dream, a place to store their memories, to make their home. Now it stored the archives of their arguments, slammed doors and thick silences in each shadow, crevice and corner. The street was silent but for the sound of a neighbour wheeling a bin out onto the footpath. Luke didn’t shut the engine off, didn’t offer to come inside. He ran a hand across his eyes and shifted in his seat to face her.
“It’s our anniversary in three months. We’ve been married for two years. If we can’t make a decision about starting a family by then, it’s over. I’m done. I'm not going to wait around forever, ok. You’ve got three months to give me an answer. Either you want to make this work and start a family, or we end it. I’m not talking about this anymore, give me a call when you’ve finally made your mind up.”
Luke reached below the steering wheel and popped open the boot. He turned away from Caitlin and scrolled through his phone. He didn’t look up when she slid out of the passenger seat. She unloaded her boxes and stood in the doorway of their dark quiet home, watching as he backed out of the driveway, the orange glow of the brake lights disappearing down the end of the street.
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